26 weeks and feeling "full"

Full is the perfect word to describe my emotional and physical status these days. 

I have definitely reached my capacity of both by midday early evening most days.  I have little to give myself or anyone else for that matter in this new phase of pregnancy/surrogating. 

As the baby keeps growing she is filling out very well inside my body and quickly taking over every organ that is in her way- meaning, my body is no longer my own.  The work it takes to stay ahead some days is exaustingto the point why bother.  Like they say, "one day at a time".  I crash hard, usually while trying to melt away from my life by reading for 10 minutes.

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My 6 year old son has growing concerns toward this little life occupying his mother's body.  He is very curious and loves to kiss and feel the contorts of my expanding belly.  I see and feel his little heart loving something so easily that it pulls at my heart and fills me up.  The questions he will have someday will stop me in my racks I'm sure, but that will have to be something I approach then- because I'm not sure I have the eloquence quite yet to help him.  It will come when I need it, I'm sure, so I do not fret about it right now.

Counsel/Therapy is a must during this new attachment phase for me.  I feel ill prepared for the last trimester, but then I'd like to meet someone totally prepared for this rare journey.  I've been meeting with a counselor every week for this past month.  I keeps my mind focused and allows me to be totally candid, open and safe.  We search through all the feelings and sort them out, and then I leave with an organized soul & mind that can operate within functional parameters once again.  Thank God.  Kind of like my fitness plan as of late.  Without it I'd not have the balance and perspective I need to navigate the physical side of this journey.   

20 week hurddle and the unconditional bond of life

22 weeks today and moving forward...

The fruition of this journey keeps moving at a very steady pace for me. Often I feel it is moving so quickly I barely have time to wallow in the enjoyable moments. Being a mother of 2 keeps me so efficiently busy I rarely have enough time to cognitively process that I have been carrying another family's baby for 5 plus months.

Sooooo, the ultrasound with the intending couple was so intimate and beautiful. We sat in a very comfortable screening room with a huge leather couch and a big screen monitor to view the bouncing moves of the baby GIRL that is on her way. Yes, we are expecting a bright little jumping baby girl. I was somewhat hopeful for a boy, which probably does not make sense to most of you, but there is something extra special about those fragile little infant girls. I will need to work diligently at letting that attachment go, so with that confirmation, I will call and make another appointment with the friendly family therapist. I firmly believe that a healthy head in this journey is key to the survival of myself and my family.

As I sit here finishing my blog holding my 2.5 year old daughter on my lap, I lean in to her and pull her closer, smelling her little head anticipating our bed time routine which will undoubtedly come soon. I quickly realize she is fast asleep in my arms and I am brought to tears feeling the overwhelming unconditional bond of love we share and can't imagine a world without "this". Good night.

Juggling the acts of duty April 22, 2010

Between keeping a journal of the exciting ingredients of this new and adventurous process, like the kicking and fluttering going on ALL day long, and the amazing concept that this is all so possible to carry another families baby "inside of me", there are many items of business that need to be attended to periodically. The mounting bills and small insurance coverage issues have to be addressed by myself and watched for discrepancies and policy changes. There is always a risk that the insurance company will deny the charges since it is a surrogacy and not my child. If it were my pregnancy I would let it all go until the end, and worry about it then, but since we are dealing with another persons checkbook, which the outgoing funds add up rather quickly, I feel the need to be fastidious and on top of the game.

The static juggling duties would be the stay at home mommy/doting and supportive wife obligations and necessities. I do not have the discretionary funds to pay a housekeeper, personal chef/nutritionist, trainer, tutor, swimming coach, or even daycare facilitator so I can grab a quick nap, so guess who gets to perform or not perform all of the entertainment above... RIGHT, like most of us stay at home mothers sacrifice to have that chance to raise our children. Thank God for the accolades of my doting husband, my only admirer some days. Children can be so unforgiving for the most infinitesimal mommy mistakes. Of course I do it all with a smile, NOT. There are days that flow smoothly and others that, DON'T. The days that don't I just do what I can, and the days that do, I do more than I should- which probably leads to the days I CAN'T do ANYTHING... You are all enjoying this I'm sure. I would never give up this last year of staying at home with my children, they have been the most fruitful moments in history. I'll never forget most of them, and hopefully it has produced an incremental impression on my family.

And life goes on... Next week the 20 week ultrasound- I'm very anxious to see that jumper.

February 25, 2010

Hiring a doula: We hired a doula this week hoping that it would prove to be another wise decision. She will hopefully help share the incredible experience, take some weight off the parties involved, and accommodate the unexpected needs of participants. The doula interview was swift, and right away we all new it was going to be a benefit to hire such a person.

First Ultrasound:The intending mother and I went in for our first appointment together. Once again I was calm and my body took good care of my motherly instincts. She was taken by the pictures, as any mother would be looking at the first pictures of their baby, and we shared a very intimate moment together which will change my life forever.

Therapist session #1: Closing remarks; To work on taking care of self, not tending to others needs and feelings. Allowing myself to have emotion and express them without hesitation of what I feel others would want me to feel or say. To acknowledge that my needs are my responsibility.

January 10, 2010 Results of pregnancy test:

2 weeks of waiting: Emotionally I new I was pregnant, which turned out to be true. This moment was supposed to be momentous for me, right? Well it was, but only because it has taken the intended parents 7 years to get here and finally it has happened, so I was elated for them and a rush of emotion crept in for a brief moment. This is when I witnessed the power of the human body. I was incredibly emotionally centered, very unexpected, and life just resumed moving in the right direction, for me.

Now off to get a well needed nap!

December 3, 2009

Opinion's and ideas:

Everyone has them- you will not always find support where you'd most likely expected it. Make sure support is not necessary for your survival in this decision. Make sure you have a firm grip on reality and stay strong to your beliefs. I keep remembering that God rewards a good heart, or so I've been told.

The dates are set for insemination, now we wait for the period to end and ovulation to start. We are ALL so very excited to start this journey. My life is starting to feel very special to me. Not that is was not before, but a deeper sense of self and full of pride... It feels invigorating.

December 27, 2009:

I'm ovulating... now we go in for insemination tomorrow. FYI, Ovulation kit is very helpful! I had my ovulation all off- go figure I was able to get pregnant two times prior.

Procedure take less than 5 minutes, and were on our way back home to celebrate Christmas in a different light.

My surrogate journey: 2 weeks prior to fertility clinic

This was an anxious week... more eager to get the process started.

The 33 page attorney contract arrived and reading it became so overwhelming. I guess these big decisions come with big contracts. FYI- It is necessary for both parties to have a representing attorney.

Also the realization that this was going to be a huge sacrifice for my family as well as myself.